1. |
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I've got to plan a lesson or two
but not before I say to you
that you are my muffin my muffin of love!
I've got to write a letter or three
but first there's one thing that I need
that is my muffin, my muffin of love
Some folks like biscuits, some folks like cakes
but I like the jiggles that my muffin makes
Some folks like pudding, tricks and the treats but I can't disguise the way my heart beats
I'd have to live a lifetime or four
to find a woman that I want more
than my muffin, my muffin of love
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2. |
Me & My Muffin
04:20
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Every time I see her
When she looks at me
Every time I’m near her
That’s where I need to be
Funny how she loves me
Funny how she cares
Funny how I spent my time
Wishing she were there
Now that I see
How good life can be
I never knew
That we could be easy and still true
Me and my muffin,
My muffin and I
We can do nothing
And we’re feeling fine—so fine
She knows how to soothe me
She knows what to say
She knows she’ll get what she wants
But may not get her way
I tell her that I love her
I tell her all the time
I tell her that she’s number one
She’ll never wait in line
Now that I see
How good life can be
I never knew
That we could be easy and still true
coro
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3. |
Old
03:57
|
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You’re so old
I guess you’ve been told by now that you’re very old
you’re probably covered in mold-y substances
like old people are, they always smell funny
saving the holes in their socks just like money
‘Cuz you’re old
not long til your bladder is uncontrolled
fold up your gold folding chair and go shuffle into the kitchen
if your teeth aren’t too brittle to chew your dinner
(they might be brittle, so watch out)
‘Cuz you’re old, my muffin
gray hairs are creeping in
‘cuz you’re old, my muffin
you are so very...
So very wise
what lies behind those wrinkled eyes?
Just lie back with an ice pack on your artheritic thighs
and I’ll massage them
Take your yellowed photos
and I’ll collage them
‘Cuz you’re old, my muffin
constipation is your friend
‘cuz you’re old, my muffin
not long until the end
‘cuz you’re old, my muffin
you are so very, so very... old.
Only three decades
and some gray in your hair!
Do not despair!
I will still be there, my muffin!
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4. |
Like a Simile
03:17
|
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My muffin’s like a snowflake in the air
she’s cold and she’s icy then she melts on my nose
she chose me over thirty three other lovers then discovered
that I was at least 29 of them
like a rose’s stem, she’s thorny, I’m corny, she says I make her hungry
in my dungarees it’s 98 degrees around my knees
My muffin, she’s nothing like a simile
there’s nothing to compare when she’s there and I’m shore
she’s a metaphor for all that I adore, she’s a band-aid on my heart
she’s a shark feeding on my insecurities
with no pity, fears fade to obscurity, always what I need, she’s a big burger
except she’s little, not edibidle, but her buns look good to me!
I love my muffin and my muffin loves me
it’s plain to see that we are all
we need, plus a cup of tea, and some crappy magazines
I am the Muffin’s and the Muffin is mine, she’s my
valentine, so sign me up sweetly, where we’ll be together
spending all our time
My muffin’s like something you can’t compare
she’s hot and she’s cool and her nose gets all sweaty
when she met me, said she’d get me, wouldn’t let me
get away from her clutches, now I stay and she touches me
in my heart, it was smart to have waited to be mated
I’m elated to be fated to this freckled face I see
I love my muffin and my muffin loves me
it’s plain to see that we are all
we need, plus a cup of tea, and some crappy magazines...
I am the Muffin’s and the Muffin is mine, she’s my
valentine, so sign me up sweetly, where we’ll be together
spending all our time
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5. |
(Muffin) Pants
04:26
|
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One night down in the club
just mixing overdubs
don’t want to burst your bub but
guess who came and rocked my world?
like lights that are a-strobin’
first sight, she had me gropin’
for my temporal lobe and
I just had to have this girl
What was she like? It’s sort of hard to describe. She was like...
Bread crumbs from head to toe
See how she do-si-do
Look at you like you a schmoe
you don’t wanna mess with her
Just watch her when she dance
it’s hard to look askance
What’s in those pumpkin pants?
There’s no way you can be sure!
I stepped up, just to test her
wore shiny polyester
which seemed not to arrest her
being hot is not a crime
I danced the funky chicken
she stood there panic stricken
no way I’d get my Dickens
English Lit report in time
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Bread crumbs from head to toe
See how she do-si-do
Look at you like you a schmoe
you don’t wanna mess with her, no no no
Just watch her when she’s dancing
it’s hard to look askance, man
What’s in those pumpkin pants?
There’s no way you can be sure!
I can’t help but wonder
when my world is torn asunder
if there isn’t any thunder
in those magic muffin pants?
She’s a muffin, muffin pants
Next evenin’ I was ready
lookin’ sharp my aim was steady
wearin’ my leather teddy
why does this thing feel so tight?
I checked my halitosis
not bad, could barely notice
no way I’m gonna blow this
this is gonna be my night
dancin’ I went autistic
talkin’ I went linguistic
painfully masochistic
til she looked into my face
our eyes locked in appraisal
one eye blue one was hazel
my stallion left the stable
til she put it back in place
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6. |
Tuesday
03:38
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It was a Tuesday, I stood and held the door
Never again, to myself I swore but oh
how was I to know that she was the muffin?
I said excuse me, don’t want to be a bore
she tossed me a glance and let it fall to the floor, and so
there was no hello when I met the muffin
there was no music, there was no magic, no love at first sight
there was no omen in my abdomen saying hey man, this could be so right?
It did confuse me, I thought I knew the score
she walked on past, not that hard to ignore but slow
was my heart to grow ‘cuz I met the muffin
there was no drama, there was no trauma, no, nothing obscene
I was not conflicted, no, nothing had predicted that I’d fall into a lover’s dream
It took a few days—or was it months and more?
I followed the path to what fate had in store, which showed
the strange and random road that brought me to my muffin
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7. |
Year One
03:37
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One year of highs
a few days of lows
I maintain we can’t complain
with such a ratio
While I concede that my math’s not strong
I still reply that by your side is where I belong
If you were my eyes
what would you see?
all the ways in which I’m amazed
you spend your days with me
would such a view leave you more assured
there’s no debate, I’ve found my fate, I’m totally yours, I’m all yours
If I spent all my time
trying to define how you fill my life
Words could never say
all the million ways you wake up my heart
feeling every beat
while you fall asleep
I am completely yours
One year of highs
and now you see
my grand plan to expand this anniversary
I do believe that we’ve made a home
so step inside, nothing to divide, just let our love grow
with all we’ve earned it’s time to learn all we don’t know
please don’t deny that by your side is where I belong
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8. |
Jesus Donut
03:01
|
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What would Jesus Donut?
What would Jesus Cherry Pie?
What would Jesus Filet-O-Fish
were he apostle of my eye?
What would Jesus Bar-B-Que?
Spare ribs or would he make meat?
Veggie burgers on the grill
yet my meal is not complete
Oh I tell you what
Sinners, keep your damn mouths shut
Oh, I wonder what
Would Jesus Donut?
What would Satan Pumpkin Pie
after Mom had cleared the table?
What would Satan Pay-Per-View?
Would we have to pay for cable?
What would Satan Crispy Creme?
Would he be a corporate whore?
What would Satan party theme--
togas and tasteful decor?
chorus
Jesus Donut, Cherry Pie
Sunshine Flouride in the water supply
We forgave you-- is that a lie?
What would Jesus applesauce?
Turning wailing into whine
What would Jesus overcoat?
Did he pass by Columbine?
chorus
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