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Muffin Songs Vol​.​1

by B-Va

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1.
I've got to plan a lesson or two but not before I say to you that you are my muffin my muffin of love! I've got to write a letter or three but first there's one thing that I need that is my muffin, my muffin of love Some folks like biscuits, some folks like cakes but I like the jiggles that my muffin makes Some folks like pudding, tricks and the treats but I can't disguise the way my heart beats I'd have to live a lifetime or four to find a woman that I want more than my muffin, my muffin of love
2.
Every time I see her When she looks at me Every time I’m near her That’s where I need to be Funny how she loves me Funny how she cares Funny how I spent my time Wishing she were there Now that I see How good life can be I never knew That we could be easy and still true Me and my muffin, My muffin and I We can do nothing And we’re feeling fine—so fine She knows how to soothe me She knows what to say She knows she’ll get what she wants But may not get her way I tell her that I love her I tell her all the time I tell her that she’s number one She’ll never wait in line Now that I see How good life can be I never knew That we could be easy and still true coro
3.
Old 03:57
You’re so old I guess you’ve been told by now that you’re very old you’re probably covered in mold-y substances like old people are, they always smell funny saving the holes in their socks just like money ‘Cuz you’re old not long til your bladder is uncontrolled fold up your gold folding chair and go shuffle into the kitchen if your teeth aren’t too brittle to chew your dinner (they might be brittle, so watch out) ‘Cuz you’re old, my muffin gray hairs are creeping in ‘cuz you’re old, my muffin you are so very... So very wise what lies behind those wrinkled eyes? Just lie back with an ice pack on your artheritic thighs and I’ll massage them Take your yellowed photos and I’ll collage them ‘Cuz you’re old, my muffin constipation is your friend ‘cuz you’re old, my muffin not long until the end ‘cuz you’re old, my muffin you are so very, so very... old. Only three decades and some gray in your hair! Do not despair! I will still be there, my muffin!
4.
My muffin’s like a snowflake in the air she’s cold and she’s icy then she melts on my nose she chose me over thirty three other lovers then discovered that I was at least 29 of them like a rose’s stem, she’s thorny, I’m corny, she says I make her hungry in my dungarees it’s 98 degrees around my knees My muffin, she’s nothing like a simile there’s nothing to compare when she’s there and I’m shore she’s a metaphor for all that I adore, she’s a band-aid on my heart she’s a shark feeding on my insecurities with no pity, fears fade to obscurity, always what I need, she’s a big burger except she’s little, not edibidle, but her buns look good to me! I love my muffin and my muffin loves me it’s plain to see that we are all we need, plus a cup of tea, and some crappy magazines I am the Muffin’s and the Muffin is mine, she’s my valentine, so sign me up sweetly, where we’ll be together spending all our time My muffin’s like something you can’t compare she’s hot and she’s cool and her nose gets all sweaty when she met me, said she’d get me, wouldn’t let me get away from her clutches, now I stay and she touches me in my heart, it was smart to have waited to be mated I’m elated to be fated to this freckled face I see I love my muffin and my muffin loves me it’s plain to see that we are all we need, plus a cup of tea, and some crappy magazines... I am the Muffin’s and the Muffin is mine, she’s my valentine, so sign me up sweetly, where we’ll be together spending all our time
5.
One night down in the club just mixing overdubs don’t want to burst your bub but guess who came and rocked my world? like lights that are a-strobin’ first sight, she had me gropin’ for my temporal lobe and I just had to have this girl What was she like? It’s sort of hard to describe. She was like... Bread crumbs from head to toe See how she do-si-do Look at you like you a schmoe you don’t wanna mess with her Just watch her when she dance it’s hard to look askance What’s in those pumpkin pants? There’s no way you can be sure! I stepped up, just to test her wore shiny polyester which seemed not to arrest her being hot is not a crime I danced the funky chicken she stood there panic stricken no way I’d get my Dickens English Lit report in time It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Bread crumbs from head to toe See how she do-si-do Look at you like you a schmoe you don’t wanna mess with her, no no no Just watch her when she’s dancing it’s hard to look askance, man What’s in those pumpkin pants? There’s no way you can be sure! I can’t help but wonder when my world is torn asunder if there isn’t any thunder in those magic muffin pants? She’s a muffin, muffin pants Next evenin’ I was ready lookin’ sharp my aim was steady wearin’ my leather teddy why does this thing feel so tight? I checked my halitosis not bad, could barely notice no way I’m gonna blow this this is gonna be my night dancin’ I went autistic talkin’ I went linguistic painfully masochistic til she looked into my face our eyes locked in appraisal one eye blue one was hazel my stallion left the stable til she put it back in place
6.
Tuesday 03:38
It was a Tuesday, I stood and held the door Never again, to myself I swore but oh how was I to know that she was the muffin? I said excuse me, don’t want to be a bore she tossed me a glance and let it fall to the floor, and so there was no hello when I met the muffin there was no music, there was no magic, no love at first sight there was no omen in my abdomen saying hey man, this could be so right? It did confuse me, I thought I knew the score she walked on past, not that hard to ignore but slow was my heart to grow ‘cuz I met the muffin there was no drama, there was no trauma, no, nothing obscene I was not conflicted, no, nothing had predicted that I’d fall into a lover’s dream It took a few days—or was it months and more? I followed the path to what fate had in store, which showed the strange and random road that brought me to my muffin
7.
Year One 03:37
One year of highs a few days of lows I maintain we can’t complain with such a ratio While I concede that my math’s not strong I still reply that by your side is where I belong If you were my eyes what would you see? all the ways in which I’m amazed you spend your days with me would such a view leave you more assured there’s no debate, I’ve found my fate, I’m totally yours, I’m all yours If I spent all my time trying to define how you fill my life Words could never say all the million ways you wake up my heart feeling every beat while you fall asleep I am completely yours One year of highs and now you see my grand plan to expand this anniversary I do believe that we’ve made a home so step inside, nothing to divide, just let our love grow with all we’ve earned it’s time to learn all we don’t know please don’t deny that by your side is where I belong
8.
Jesus Donut 03:01
What would Jesus Donut? What would Jesus Cherry Pie? What would Jesus Filet-O-Fish were he apostle of my eye? What would Jesus Bar-B-Que? Spare ribs or would he make meat? Veggie burgers on the grill yet my meal is not complete Oh I tell you what Sinners, keep your damn mouths shut Oh, I wonder what Would Jesus Donut? What would Satan Pumpkin Pie after Mom had cleared the table? What would Satan Pay-Per-View? Would we have to pay for cable? What would Satan Crispy Creme? Would he be a corporate whore? What would Satan party theme-- togas and tasteful decor? chorus Jesus Donut, Cherry Pie Sunshine Flouride in the water supply We forgave you-- is that a lie? What would Jesus applesauce? Turning wailing into whine What would Jesus overcoat? Did he pass by Columbine? chorus

about

These are songs written for the Muffin. (The Muffin is my wife.) She loves all of these songs... except #3. For some reason, she doesn't like that one much.

credits

released March 23, 2012

I wrote, arranged, recorded, mixed, performed everything here, so basically it's all my fault. Scott Latzky played tabla on "Year One."

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B-Va New York, New York

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